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I was either playing with all my chips on the table or I was sitting it out completely. During those celibate years I would wonder if my fate was to be married to my right hand for the rest of my life. The failed marriage had left me feeling that I was not desirable; that I was incapable of attracting a truly desirable woman. Most of my relationships were with damaged women who had little to give me, and no way to grow into a healthy relationship. Why were they damaged? The reasons varied, but the fact is that I sought them out. I figured that with them I had a chance of getting lucky for a day or two. I didn't give myself a chance with women who weren't damaged. I didn't try. Or ... you could say with some honesty, I didn't know how. In all honesty, maybe I still don't.My second marriage lasted exactly thirteen years. The divorce was granted by the court on our wedding anniversary. (The odds are 364:1 and considering 365 random things probably happen each day, it's not as unlikely. Immediately I decided it was time for that third injection. It was atotally irrational decision. The project would get me away for a fewmonths. But if I took that third injection now, it could mean theperiod could last for up to a year. It was too risky. Too long.Far too long. Besides, I hadn't tried to work and live and be thatwoman during those first two periods. I couldn't possibly do this.Just focus. Do the project. Move on. Just wait eight more months, Itold myself. Next Tuesday get on the plane, don't even think aboutbringing that serum.The weekend before I was leaving, my girlfriend caught me smoking acigarette. She'd suspected I was smoking but didn't believe it."What an idiot. What's gotten into you?" she asked pointedly. Ifelt uncomfortable. I had this huge secret.I hoped I was distracting her with this fervent attention to herpussy. I lapped her the best she'd ever had she said. I wassneaking touches of it in the restaurant, when we sat in the cab. Ilove.
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